Daily Devotional

A few years ago I was going through some struggles in ministry. I sought out help from two friends of mine who are older pastors. We decided to set-up a one-hour monthly meeting for them to counsel and process these struggles with me. I would drive out to their church, they would start the meeting with a prayer, and then ask me how I was doing. I would share a sentence, maybe two, and then one of them would interrupt me and say “I’ve dealt with something similar…” And then proceed to talk for the next 10-15 minutes about their struggle. Then when he finished, the other pastor would jump in and tell his story. The problem is, neither one listened to my struggle well enough to even know if their story would apply. By the time they came back to me, to give me an opportunity to share, there was maybe 5-10 minutes left in the hour. I’d share a few things, but then I’d have to leave. It was very disheartening.

I decided to seek the help of a licensed therapist who was a Christian. I signed-up for 8 sessions with her, and she was amazing. The thing that made her amazing wasn't the credentials she had hanging on her office wall, or the deep insights she shared with me, it was that she listened to me. Each week we met for an hour, and all she did was ask me questions and listen. She knew that listening is an active process. She knew that being a quick listener and a slow speaker would help us develop trust and depth in our relationship. And that’s exactly what I needed.

A few things she taught me about how to be quick to listen:

1. Ask good questions

I would share one of my struggles with her and she would listen until I finished, and then she’d say, “So let me make sure I understand what you’re saying…” And she’d put into words what she heard. And at that point I would affirm the things she got right, and clarify any inaccuracies.

When she asked these questions, she was also able to filter out her own biases in her interpretation, so she made sure she understood me completely.

2. Understand terminology

When I moved to California I had to learn some new lingo. Dope means good. Vibe means feeling. Right on means love it. In the weeds means you’re in trouble.

There are certain figures of speech that mean different things to different people. If we don’t take some time to clarify terms, then one or both of us will get frustrated, because we are not being understood. And this frustration can be avoided by using clear and common terms. Avoid slang. But even if slang is used, care enough to clarify meaning.

3. Embrace silence

When I was trained to be a small group leader, one thing I had to learn was to embrace silence. I had to learn that sometimes group members would not respond immediately. And unless I wanted to talk the whole time, I had to give them time to think and formulate an answer. But I have to tell you, in that situation, 20 or 30 seconds feels like forever.

Embracing silence also means you don’t respond immediately. If a person shares something, and as soon as they take a breath, you make a comment, the speaker is wondering “Did he really hear me?” Sometimes we think that if we pause, or take a moment to think before responding, the person is going to think we don’t know what to do. But in reality, in those silent moments we are communicating to the speaker that we are listening. We let their words settle and then respond appropriately.

4. Never interrupt

I hate being interrupted. It is one of my pet peeves. Like when I’m at a meeting and it’s my turn to share. I get out my first two sentences, and then in the middle of my third sentence, the listener interrupts. There are times I have left my mouth open to let them know they interrupted me (that’s my passive aggressive side coming out), but it doesn’t help. I just want them to know that I have so much more to share, and if they would just listen to me, they would know how to help me.

These two pastors who walked through my ministry struggles with me a few years ago were a huge blessing to me. But unbeknownst to them, one of the biggest lessons they taught me was the importance of being quick to listen and slow to speak.

Being quick to listen and slow to speak will help you in every relationship in your life. And it is a great way to communicate the love of Christ to non-Christians. There is a lot of hurt in our world today and a lot of times all a person needs is someone who is willing to listen to them. And if the person feels like they have been truly heard and understood, they often will be willing to listen to you. And this is the open door you need to share the gospel with them, which is their only hope.

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