Daily Devotional

Without trust it is impossible to be in a healthy relationship. So when trust is broken, how do you rebuild it?

When a Christian couple named John and Mary came to see me, John had just found out that Mary had been having an affair with her boss. When John confronted her, she admitted it right away saying, “We only slept together one time; but the emotional affair has been going on for three months.” She said, “I knew it was wrong. I never meant for this to happen. I love you, John, I don’t want a divorce.”

Then John looked at me and said, “That’s when I decided to call you, Brian. I don’t know what to do.”

I said, “Biblically, John, you have grounds to divorce Mary, but that doesn’t mean you should.” I said, “Do you want a divorce?” He said, “No, I love Mary. What she has done to me hurts deeply. But she admitted it. She still loves me. She doesn’t want a divorce. So I wanted to see if you had any suggestions for us.”

I said, “Malachi 2:16 says ‘God hates divorce’, so I think God would want the two of you to try and work this out.”

John said, “I know I have not always loved Mary with the love of Christ. I’ve been busy with work, and unavailable to her. I know I can own some things in this as well.” But he said, “This affair has hurt me deeply. She has broken trust.”

I said, “John, what will Mary need to do to rebuild your trust?”

He said, “Well, for starters she needs to quit her job immediately. We will need to sell our house and move out of this state. Whatever job she gets in the future, she will not go in early or stay late. And she will give me access to her phone whenever I want.”

She responded saying, “John, I will do whatever it takes to rebuild trust and save our marriage.”

What John and Mary are dealing with is the rebuilding of trust. How do you do it?

For the sake of this article, I’m calling the person who broke trust the ‘perpetrator’, and the one with whom trust was broken, the ‘victim’.

For ways to rebuild trust…
1. The perpetrator owns their actions that broke trust
When John confronted Mary, she admitted it right away, even defining how far the affair had gone. As devastating as that was for John to hear, he needed to know. When Mary brought everything into the light, the process of dealing with the hurt could begin. If there are details left unsaid, certain aspects left hidden, then complete healing is impossible. Mary made a mistake. She blew marital trust in the most egregious way possible, by being unfaithful to her husband. And Mary said she was willing to do whatever it takes to rebuild trust and save her marriage.

2. The perpetrator asks the victim what it will take to rebuild trust and then does it without complaint
John was clear what it would take to start the process of rebuilding trust. None of it would be easy. Mary loved her job. To quit would not be easy, but for the sake of her marriage, she did it. She lived in a house she loved with neighbors she trusted. Selling the house would not be easy, but for the sake of her marriage, she did it. She loved the state she lived in, but if moving out of state would put enough distance between her and the guy she had the affair with, for the sake of her marriage, she did it. And she said, “John, you can look at my phone anytime you want. I can be in the middle of texting with someone, you can literally grab it out of my hand and look at it.” And as humiliating as that would feel in the moment, she was willing to do it for the sake of her marriage.

3. The victim affirms the trust-building actions of the perpetrator
Mary quit her job. John affirmed her saying, “Honey, you are a talented admin. I know God is going to help you find an even better job.” Mary sold the house. John affirmed her saying, “To see that you value our marriage more than the house you love means so much to me.” Mary started looking for work in another state. John said, “I know you love this state, and to know you are willing to make this move makes me feel so secure that you value this marriage and want to do all you can to rebuild trust.” Every day for many months, Mary would offer her phone to John to look at, scroll through, dig into. She encouraged him to take the phone from her in the middle of a text if he’s wondering if this might be another man. John said, “Thank you for being so open-handed with your phone and willing to make it easy for me to check your phone.”

4. Pray
It took a lot of time for John and Mary to recover from Mary’s affair, but eventually, they did. They moved to a new state, Mary found an even better job, they have a nicer house, and Mary still offers her phone to John anytime he wants. Plus, in Mary’s new job, she made it clear during the interview process that she will never stay late to work alone with her boss, she will never ride in a car alone with her boss, and the only texts or calls she will receive on her phone will be work-related. John and Mary knew their only hope of saving their marriage was God. They prayed. They got their families praying. They got their small group praying at church. And after five years, they have a healthier marriage now than they’ve ever had. In fact, God has used them to talk with other married couples who have gone down this road, showing them that divorce isn’t the only option. God hates divorce. So, why not rebuild trust?